So I’m just in bed relaxing, ignoring all my duties. I know I need to get things done, and stop being a couch potato. So I say to my girl, please give me an ultimatum. Force me to work. She said okay, fine, if you don’t make a video by the end of the week, you can’t go out this weekend. I said okay, take away the freedom. I got you, good deal, thanks.
And of course, I still don’t do it that day, and I still don’t do it the next day.
I hate the fact that I have to put myself in these ultimatum positions to motivate myself because sometimes, a lot of times really, I don’t want to get things done. Almost everyday, I ask myself why. I have such a long standing habit of procrastinating.
So it’s 5AM on Saturday, and I’m just sitting there as if I’m so content to waste my time. And it’s not right because the first time you want to play a game you’re ready to go, and the first time you want to do something fun you can easily do it, and when Disney plus has a new Mandalorian episode I’m all ready for that, but whenever it comes to something that’s important for my future, I end up not getting it done.
I started to realize that in order to be more constructive, I needed to construct a future version of myself. This future me had to be seen as something to protect. Something to cherish and care for because ultimately, my present self not having motivation or drive is going to end up impacting / hurting my future self and that’s not good.
If I don’t attain that motivation now, I’m not going to have it later.
Sometimes the answer is time. Sometimes the answer is that you just have to get fed up with yourself, and that’s kind of where I am right now. I know I could have done better years ago. I know I could have done better last month. I know I could have done better yesterday. I know I have to kill my bad habits to protect my future self. And even when I come to grips with the fact that I have a negative habit, it’s going to take time to get through it.
All the faults, all the mistakes that I’ve done… I have to see things exactly how they are so that I can deal with them. So that I can be a better version of myself. I have to figure out my brain chemistry and what I’m going to need to persevere through my issues.
And of course to get all of these actions done, I’m going to have to have patience. The bad habits that I have, have existed for such a long time that they’re ingrained. So I’m going to have to have patience in this battle to be a better person.